Only the good

If my memory's accurate, I met Matt in the first few days of 2005.

It was a dinner with friends, and we were the only two people who didn't already know each other. So I was making a conscious effort to get to know Matt, and he obviously was doing the same. And we seemed to hit it off. He was intelligent (heck, to be a doctor that's pretty much mandatory), witty and generally a really nice person to spend a few hours with.

I thought it would be good to keep in touch, so I was very pleased when we started playing chess against each other online a couple of weeks later. He's turned out to be a much better player than me unfortunately!

On Saturday afternoon, 9 Australian Defence Force personnel from a crew of 11 were killed when their helicopter plunged straight into the ground on the Indonesian island of Nias and burts into flames. This morning I found out Matt was one of them.

Was he a close friend? No (dammit, I met him once and once only). But I thought he could be. And I think it's for that reason that I'm in tears.

I don't make close friends all that readily. Okay, I suspect hardly anybody does, but I'm acutely aware of the small number of people that I can sit down with and have a long and involved conversation about anything and everything, not least because most of that small number are not physically located close enough for regular conversation.

I know that I'm not going to get through life without knowing people who die, but right now I'm asking God to explain why it had to be someone I really liked. There are any number of people to choose from who I get along with fine, and would be saddened and shocked by their death, but I wouldn't be left wondering whether the relationship could have been better.

What exactly IS it about me that inspires people to leave, one way or another? And given that the circumstances of their leaving are often not under their control, what is it about God that he thinks this is a good way to shape my destiny?

It might seem I'm taking this rather too personally, but I honestly believe that a fundamental part of what has shaped me over the years is a profound difficulty in dealing with the loss of people I care about (whether or not they recognise how much I value them). And I think maybe the biggest single reason I am reluctant to let people in - especially other guys around my age - is a fear of losing them again.

It's not an irrational fear, because it's happened so often. And this time, there's no question it's final.

Rest In Peace, Matt. I wish I knew enough about you to say more.